Goodnight is like that though. It's one of his few pleasures in life. Being pretentiously poetic, showing off just how well read and educated he was. With his trigger finger the way it is, all he has left is his words. And even those were no match for whatever he had drunk. He can't even hide behind the lies he spins.
He stiffens a little when he's asked what's worse than what he's dealt with. What could be more terrible than the lives they have led? He's seen Hell. They all had, in their way. But he knows automatically what was worse than a perfumed drawing room or freezing cold Elmira or anywhere else.
"Terrified." Because he can't lie. He's a coward and he's being forced to admit it. "I'm always afraid. Always. I thought I was getting better..." Then Rose Creek happened and he had run away. Sure he had come back, and where had that gotten him? It had gotten both himself and Billy killed. He sighs and looks down. He has no right to say it, not after he had left like that. "They could take Billy. They could take him and hurt him in front of me. They could keep me from him. I don't care what they might do to me personally. I deserve it. But Billy...he doesn't. He doesn't deserve any of this." Goodnight looks back up and his face is haunted, as pale as it had been the night they have laughed over cards.
"Perhaps you don't have anything to lose, but I do." He knows it's a harsh judgement, but he hasn't got his usual filter. "Billy can't be my pound of flesh. He's already paid enough for my poor decisions."
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He stiffens a little when he's asked what's worse than what he's dealt with. What could be more terrible than the lives they have led? He's seen Hell. They all had, in their way. But he knows automatically what was worse than a perfumed drawing room or freezing cold Elmira or anywhere else.
"Terrified." Because he can't lie. He's a coward and he's being forced to admit it. "I'm always afraid. Always. I thought I was getting better..." Then Rose Creek happened and he had run away. Sure he had come back, and where had that gotten him? It had gotten both himself and Billy killed. He sighs and looks down. He has no right to say it, not after he had left like that. "They could take Billy. They could take him and hurt him in front of me. They could keep me from him. I don't care what they might do to me personally. I deserve it. But Billy...he doesn't. He doesn't deserve any of this." Goodnight looks back up and his face is haunted, as pale as it had been the night they have laughed over cards.
"Perhaps you don't have anything to lose, but I do." He knows it's a harsh judgement, but he hasn't got his usual filter. "Billy can't be my pound of flesh. He's already paid enough for my poor decisions."